I apologize to the masses of you that read my blog.

Ha.

Haha.

The only real reason I remembered that I have a blog at all is because I am currently watching Julie & Julia and half the movie is about blogging.

I felt guilty.

But I really don’t have all that much to say at the moment. My profound apologies.

Movies You Should See If You Haven’t Already:

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World – SO. FUNNY. Especially if you know anything at all about video games.

The Young Victoria- On DVD, I believe. I saw it on Netflix. FANTASTIC movie. Beautiful.

Toy Story 3- Duh.

The Social Network- I haven’t seen it yet either, so don’t worry. But I’ve been hearing spectacular things.

How To Train Your Dragon- Is this on DVD yet? Because I must buy it.

Inception- Again. Duh. My brain exploded, but I loved it.

Movies To Not See (or do, I’m not the boss of you):

Jules and Jim- A film (in French) by Francois Truffaut, and one of the most awful things I have ever seen (in my film class). Which is odd, because the style was obviously borrowed for Amelie, and I love that movie.

Greenberg- Everyone was raving (or were they not, I don’t remember) about Ben Stiller in this movie, but I thought it was dull and just plain stupid.

The Last Airbender- I was so excited for this, and now I want Mr. Shymalamadingdong to stop making movies altogether. Poor guy.

I really want to go see more things in theaters but I am SO BROKE, it’s not funny. Which makes me very, very sad.

Reason 1: Pirates of the Caribbean is my favorite movie of all time, and therefore is applicable in every situation.

Reason 2: Prince of Persia was produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and was made under Walt Disney Pictures, like PotC.

Reason 3: It’s the first movie I’ve seen on opening weekend since PotC 3 came out, and I felt the urge to pick it apart. I’m weird like that.

Dashing (sort of) Leading Men:

Jake Gyllenhaal kicks some serious ass. And he’s charming (he should never, ever cut his hair again). And believe it or not, completely convincing as a Persian rags-to-riches prince. But that’s all he gets. He gets to parkour it up like nobody’s business, and he gets to strut around all sweaty and awesome, but that’s it. And you may be saying, “It’s an action movie. Aren’t these good things?” Well, yes, they are very good things. And he did them spectacularly well. But he wasn’t allowed to be the fantastic actor I know him to be. He very rarely got to show any intense emotion, which I love in a good action movie, because to me it makes it that much more epic to see a hero struggle internally just as much as externally. But this, apparently, wasn’t written for that. Oh, we know Dastan’s got a heart, because the narrator tells us so in a flashback at the beginning of the movie. But we never get any real feeling. There are a few brief scenes involving Dastan’s father that come close, but then Dastan is right back off to jumping from roof to roof and such. In Pirates, they kind of split this up. We got two swashbuckling ladies’ men, one gorgeous hunk with a stick up his butt who wasn’t very good with emotions (this may have just been the performance-Orlando Bloom acts like he looked into the eyes of Medusa’s severed head) and one who was unbelievably clever and innovative who exuded pain, suffering, and an undying love of his freedom (also partly the performance, Johnny Depp could make a tree feel sorry for him if he wanted to). I’m not suggesting they should have done something similar with Prince of Persia, I’m just saying that Jake wasn’t given enough opportunities to show off his acting chops. And I believe that to have a really good hero, you need to give them intense scenes emotionally as well as physically.

Leading (sort of) Ladies:

While both characters are strong, independent women who are both beautiful and deviously clever, Keira Knightley far outshines Gemma Arterton as the daring damsel in distress. Gemma is annoyingly monotone, and while her smooth, British accent may be sultry as hell, it gets really boring after a while. And she doesn’t kick nearly as much ass. Sure, they throw a knife in her hand every once in a while and she waves it about with as much bravery as she can muster, but it’s obvious that she has no real desire to hurt anyone. She looks meek and scared, even wielding a monstrous sword. And we’re supposed to believe her destiny is to be the sacred protector of a dagger that controls time? Psh. She was just a prop for Jake Gyllenhaal to throw around.

Story:

Both movies based their stories on something already popular. Pirates was based (loosely) on the ride at Disneyland, and Persia was based (also somewhat loosely) on a video game. I think that Pirates had an advantage, in the sense that there wasn’t really a story there in the first place, just a setting. The writers (the FANTASTIC Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio) had their freedom to play with the lives of pirates and English settlers living in the Caribbean Sea.  Where as Persia already had a story within the game itself. The Sands of Time story is a good one, but unfortunately, it wasn’t very well scripted. The writing involving the purpose of the dagger and the Sands of Time fell flat. It wasn’t hard to understand, it just wasn’t… interesting. Most of it is given to monologues by Gemma Arterton’s character Princess Tamina, and there’s no real mystery or urgency in it. I think it is both poorly timed and poorly delivered. This same problem happens with the story surrounding Dastan’s father, brothers, and uncle. When it comes time for Dastan to make a realization about a murderer and his plot to take over the Persian empire, it is almost literally like a lightbulb clicks on in his head and he has to get the words out in a rush to Tamina or he just might forget them. Bam, it’s over. There is no big ‘aha!’ moment for the audience. Mostly, we just take Dastan’s word for it.

Overall, the whole thing felt a bit rushed. I wanted it to have more mystery and meaning, but it felt more like they were just trying to throw the plot at you as fast as they could in order to get to a proper conclusion (speaking of conclusions, the end of this movie is surprising and super cool – well done, there)

Character Development:

Pirates of the Caribbean blew my mind with its character development. Seriously. Every character got a story, and a really good one. Persia: nada. Dastan and Tamina get backstory, but no REAL character development. They are just cutouts of what a good hero and a good priestess/princess are supposed to be. The villain, played by Ben Kingsley, has NONE WHATSOEVER, which is supremely disappointing considering it is Sir Ben Kingsley. Oh, he’s heartless and he wants the dagger for his own ends. That’s it. Give the man something to work with!! The only character worth paying close attention to is Alfred Molina’s character. He’s funny, and he’s got more than one layer, which is a step up from the rest of the list. This movie made me excited to see him in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, which frankly looks like an awful movie. But I think I just might be saying that because it’s another let’s-kickstart-Nick-Cage’s-awful-career movie.

Romance:

Pirates had a developing romance, and so does Persia. In Persia, it’s more of that scathing hate/love that is so fun to watch, but always works much better when there is lots of chemistry. Which there wasn’t. I have already made my feelings about Gemma quite clear, I think. Come to think of it, I’m surprised Keira and Orlando had as much chemistry as they did. He’s so… wooden. And not in a sexual innuendo kind of way.

Effects:

Pirates desperately tried to make up for their lack of effects (computer-generated, at least) in the second and third films. And I do mean desperately. Prince of Persia jumps right into CGI work. It isn’t overwhelming, but when it is there, it’s a little less convincing that I would have liked. I remember seeing the pressing-the-dagger-and-turning-back-time bit in the trailer and thinking, “Oh, I bet that’ll look really cool when the CGI is finished.” Guess what. It was.

Action sequences:

Absolutely top notch in Persia. There’s a scene with a Hassansin involving some seriously nasty whips that sticks in my memory. And it’ great how they incorporated the world’s growing fascination with parkour, which we were first introduced to in Casino Royale in 2006. Pirates fell a little short in the first installment, which, again, they desperately tried to make up for in 2 & 3.

Overall, I really liked this movie. And I do mean that sincerely. I know all of my nitpicking makes it seem like I didn’t enjoy myself, but I really, truly did. I just do this for my own enjoyment. And, by nature, I have to compare every movie I see to Pirates of the Caribbean, because that movie made me who I am today. No lie. And Prince of Persia, it turns out, was the perfect opportunity.

…yeah.

Notting Hill

“I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

The 13-year-old girl in me loves this line. But the present-day me just facepalmed.

A Walk To Remember

“I’ll always miss her. But our love is like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.”

This is sweet, but every time I hear it, I’m reminded of Patrick Swayze’s 1987 power ballad, She’s Like The Wind. Which… well, the phrase “power ballad” kind of speaks for itself.

Star Wars

“I love you.” “I know.”

He doesn’t even do her the courtesy of saying, “Yeah. Love you too, babe.” But because it’s Harrison Ford, and more importantly, because it is Han Solo, we accept his arrogant reply with nerdy enthusiasm.

The Princess Bride

“As you wish.”

Having that kind of doting attention would get old after about a week, and you would probably find yourself calling your significant other J.A.R.V.I.S.

The Holiday

“I never thought I’d feel this way again, so that’s pretty phenomenal. And I realize that I come as a package deal: 3 for the price of 1. I know my package, perhaps in the light of day, isn’t all that wonderful, but I finally know what I want and that, in itself, is a miracle. And what I want is YOU.”

This would be an excellent monologue had the writer/writers had the presence of mind to not use the word ‘package’.

Breakfast At Tiffany’s

“I love you. You belong to me.”

This is the feminist coming out in me, which doesn’t happen spectacularly often. I loved this movie until he said that line. I was all for it when Holly comes back at him with her “People don’t belong to people” line. I’m 90% certain that I clapped, actually.

Casablanca

“Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.”

What?? Is that even a sentence??

A Knight’s Tale

“If I could ask God one thing, it would be to stop the moon. Stop the moon and make this night and your beauty last forever.”

Now, that just makes no sense. Stop the moon rotating or revolving? What? And even if you did “stop the moon”, it wouldn’t affect how quickly she ages. It would just f*** with the tides and cause tsunamis all over the place and kill millions of people. Great Britain would be underwater. So, obviously, you didn’t think this through.

Moulin Rouge

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

Really? Can you verify that statement? I want proof.

You’ve Got Mail

“I turn on my computer, I wait impatiently as it boots up. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You’ve got mail. I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beat of my own heart. I have mail. From you.”

This is the reason creepy people prowl chat rooms. Desperate losers like you.

10 Things I Hate About You
“I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.”

Blah, blah, blah. I hate how you rhymed about your rhymes. Shakespeare is rolling over in his grave.

The Notebook

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

You’re mammals, actually.

Jerry Maguire

“You complete me.”

Are you a puzzle? Is she the last digit of pi?

Titanic

“You must do me this honor, Rose. Promise me you’ll survive. That you won’t give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise. Never let go.”

Maybe she never lets go of the promise, but she certainly lets go of his hand. More like rips it from her own, much like you would have to do with your tongue if you decided to lick a tin mailbox in the middle of February in Chippewa Falls.

Example: Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, 2003

The thing is, the music is probably not even in the movie. Almost guaranteed to not be in the movie.  Scoring is one o fthe last things in the movie-making process, and trailers are put out before the film is even in post-production. So the music used in trailers is usually some vaguely relevant pop song, or stock scores that everyone uses. So, in essence, the music cannot be inspirational. And 90% of the time, the movie isn’t either.

2. If I Can Yell and/or Throw Things Violently, I Must Be A Good Actor

In some cases, this does happen to be true. With the actor or actress who is fearless enough to let go of themselves and let all hell break loose, the yelling and the screaming and the breaking of household appliances resonates with and touches us. But with anoyone else, it’s the big-screen equivalent of a toddler’s temper tantrum.

Ex. The Wicker Man, 2006

3. All of These Lines Are Really Funny, So There Must Be Lots of Funny Lines In This Movie

They take the funniest bits of the film and put them in the trailer set to jazzy music. So the rest of the movie is probably not going to live up to your expectations.

Ex. Yes Man, 2009

4. We Shot This in Sweeping, Perfectly Lit Landscapes/Cityscapes

Yeah, it’s usually excessive amounts of CGI. And you can tell once you actually go see the movie.

Ex. Spider-Man, 2002

5. We Both Look Fantastic, So We Must Have Fantastic Chemistry

Just because your lead actors are both ridiculously beautiful people, it doesn’t mean they will appear to be a great couple.

Ex. The Ugly Truth, 2009

This post was inspired by a video I watched on YouTube, which is pretty much the funniest thing I have seen all year. By a duo of filmmakers that call themselves BriTANick. Check out their website if you like the vid (www.britanick.com)

Also, this video has some of the best comments ever. Browse them.

PS-Sorry the post is so short, I wanted to have something up on Saturday, and it got down to the wire and ended up being posted early-early Sunday morning. I’ll add to it when I can.

This is going to be another random week. I had every intention of having something interesting or funny prepared for you (seeing as I had two weeks, because I forgot last weekend), but it didn’t work out.

Because I’m lazy.

I’m listening to my film score playlist right now. It’s not as well-stocked (?) as I would like it to be, but in addition to being lazy, I am also almost entirely broke.

But enough about me!

The music!

I am absolutely in love with film scores. Not all of them. Just the really ridiculously good ones.

Obviously, since I have a thing for Disney movies ( like any other sane 20-year-old woman), I own quite a few Disney scores. Personal favorites include Beauty & The Beast, Pocahontas, Finding Nemo.

And I have an insanely huge music-nerd crush on Hans Zimmer. Who has done everything from Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3 to It’s Complicated. He’s innovative and he’s fresh. And his music has attitude and real feeling. It’s good stuff. If I ever make a movie *scoff*, I would hire him.

Anway, I’m really, really sorry that this post has, yet again, no real direction. I just totally realized that the title has absolutely nothing to do with music.

I will probably delete this post eventually.

But I promised I would blog Saturdays, and that is what I am doing.

I don’t even have a good way to end this.

Um, the hero gets the girl and the crowd applauds as they make out. Camera pans out over the landscape to swelling, hopeful music indigenous to the region.

Fin.

I am currently sitting at home on Easter weekend watching Sydney White.

Not the world’s greatest movie, but I love cute, nerdy guys. And this movie has a few of those.

Let’s see. What can I talk about?

Oh! Hey! I bought An Education on iTunes this week!

AND I LOVED IT.

For one thing, I’m kind of an Anglophile, so movie that take place in the U.K. make me happy.

But also, it’s just a lovely movie about growing up. Growing up far too quickly.

Thing is, I identified with the character of Jenny A LOT. She wanted so much more out of life than what she had. She wanted to live, and it led her to make the mistake of letting an older man manipulate her choices.

I also like Peter Sarsgaard’s character, because they didn’t make him out to be this creepy old man preying on a younger girl. He is a man that obviously has problems, but he is never mean or overly possessive. I expected to dislike his character, but I ended up liking him much more than I expected, which is probably just what Jenny felt when she started spending time with David.

I also watched The Blind Side.

Okay, so I have to interject with what is going on in Sydney White right now.

Dear Teen Queen Movie Directors: STOP USING BEAUTIFUL SOUL BY JESSE MCCAARTNEY. It’s a lame song. And guess what? It’s been used before!

Back to The Blind Side.

Good story. Great acting on the part of Sandra Bullock (well-deserved Oscar) and even Tim McGraw.

The rest of it was a bit flat. It was inspirational, sure, but it just didn’t have enough edge.

But that’s just my opinion. Don’t have to take my word for it.

Anyway, that’s really all I have to say. A bit random, a bit… unplanned. Helter-skelter.

Sorry.

I’ll try to come up with something more concrete next week.

I, Bri Baltes, hereby forswear to blog EVERY SATURDAY.

I tried this thing where I was going to blog every day of Christmas Break. Guess how far I got.

I wrote one post. ONE. And I deleted it because it was awful.

The thing is, I really miss writing. This fabulous friend of mine has been constantly asking me the question, “Why the HOCKEYSTICKS aren’t you an English major???”

Except she didn’t use the word hockeysticks (Yes, I am eleven, thanks for asking).

And when she asks me this question, my answer is always the same.

“I don’t know.”

Except that I do know. I know exactly why I am not an English major.

I did not EVER want to have to write a paper again. Because papers are academic. I wanted to break the mold and not be so academia-minded anymore.

I thought that design school would be all fun and games, you know? I mean, if I stick this out, I get to draw pictures for a living! Yay! Fulfillment!

Except not. I am not fuliflled. I am not happy. I can appreciate art and it’s beauty, but over the last two years I have realized that it’s not the way that I express my creativity most eloquently.

Meaning, I kind of suck at it. I’m slow and I’m sloppy.

With writing, that’s not really a problem.

Okay, so the slow thing could be a problem. I’ve always had insane amounts of trouble with deadlines. I’M A FREE SPIRIT, MAN, DON’T PUT ME IN A CAGE.

Yeah, that doesn’t go over well with professors.

But I am not sloppy. When I write, I have a purpose. And I don’t necessarily mean that my writing has a purpose, because it usually doesn’t. Other than to mildly entertain.

But I feel like I have a purpose. I don’t know why. It just makes me feel good. Good about myself. Like I’m making a difference in my own life, even if I’m not making a difference in anyone else’s.

So…

I am going to BLOG every SATURDAY. Starting today. Obviously.

Just to get back into the swing of things, and maybe make myself a little less uptight.

I’m going to mainly stay on the topic of film, because it’s what I like to talk about. I’ll start writing down ideas of things to talk about that come to me during the week. But I may do something more like this every once in a while, where I just talk about me and what I’m up to.

I’ll just do whatever I feel like doing, I guess. Wow, that feels so good to say.

Or more succinctly, so good to write.

I hate almost all perfume. Especially the sophisticated, comes-in-a-ridiculously-shaped-glass-genie-bottle kind that’s sold by mannequin-ladies at counters at Macy’s.

5. Catwoman (2004) 

Yes. Halle Barry looks smokin’ in this leather outfit. But seriously, what is with superhero movies and using puns? Plus, the CGI is awful. And the CATS  poses in between beating people up makes me think that it would be more worth it to go see the Broadway show than Catwoman.  I think the main reason it’s NOT sexy is the fact that it was trying too hard too be sexy. It was borderline campy.

4. The Dark Knight (2008)

Katie Holmes wasn’t a thrill in Batman Begins, but she was a whole sight better than Maggie Gyllenhaal. Holmes could actually pull off the tough-investigative-lawyer thing, and she made the complicated relationship between Bruce Wayne and Rachel Dawes seem believable. Maggie is hard and only emotive on about one level. Plus, there’s just something about her voice that lulls me to sleep.

I was debating either this scene or one with just her and Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent, but she has an equal lack of chemistry with both men. In this scene, Bruce Wayne knows that Gotham won’t need him much longer as Batman, and hopes that he and Rachel can be together because his life will be semi-more normal now that he doesn’t have to be a giant, flying, rubber bat in his spare time…

3. Superman Returns (2006) 

Lex Luther (Kevin Spacey) seduces an old, feeble lady for her expansive wealth in Superman Returns. And then throws his wig at an unsuspecting little girl.

Minute 4:54- 7:15

2. Spider-Man 3 (2007)

In the first installment of the Spider-Man trilogy, most people were perfectly accepting of Tobey MacAwkward playing the man with the Spidey-Sense. He was the everyday man – the loveable nerd that everyone wanted to win. But when Spider-Man started to get dark in the third movie… well, he just looked ridiculous. I can tell you one thing, no oneshould ever cast Tobey as a serial killer, if this is what he looks like when he tries to be menacing. Or cool. Neither works very well.

I mean, really, this is just plain sad.

1. Batman & Robin (1997)

This ENTIRE MOVIE was horribly cast and written for people that laugh hysterically at everything when drunk. Uma Thurman isn’t remotely sexy (even in tight green spandex), Alicia Silverstone flops completely as Batgirl ( I mean, that character barely worked in the COMICS…), Arnold Schwartzenegger as Mr. Freeze (lets see how many heavily-accented puns I can make on the words ‘freeze’ or ‘cold’ within a 15 second time frame), and last, and certainly least, George Clooney as Batman. In a suit with nipples.

Why, Joel Schumacher? WHY??? So yeah, this whole movie is the most un-sexy moment in history.

I also have a clip of Joel apologizing for disappointing fans, which makes me respect him a little bit more because he owned up to it. But still. An apology doesn’t give me those hours of my life back. Or Clooney’s.

Honorable mentions:

Michelle Pfeiffer’s catsuit in Batman Beyond.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s over-acting as the strung-out Pepper Potts in Iron Man.

Got more? Post in the comments, and I’ll work the best (worst) ones in.

I made the time.

There really is just no expressing how talented the entire cast of that show is. Some of them are writers for the show, and are just as good at acting. I can barely pick favorites. I can’t, actually. I love them all.

But of course, being a boy-crazy girl and all, I have to talk about John Krasinski.

Now, yes, he is cute. Not your underwear-model-chiseled-Brad-Pitt kind of man, but the slightly nerdy-looking, I-probably-look-better-in-a-sweater-vest-than-a-muscle-shirt kind of man that’s so much more relatable than, well, stalkable.

But not only is he good-looking and relatable – he’s fantastically talented.

Now, I should warn you, I haven’t seen him in anything except The Office and The Holiday (which I didn’t even realize he was in until I watched it again with some friends for the first time in over a year).

But I’ve never seen such unbelievable 1. comedic timing (excepting Steve Carell, who is just… there are no words for how perfect his comedic timing is. It’s superhuman…) and 2. emotionality in a comedic actor (excepting Robin Williams, who is the king of funny and heartfelt simultaneously).

Last night was the season finale of the 5th season of The Office, and while I will give no spoilers (though, those most interested in the show will have seen it by now, most likely), I will say that it completely convinced me that Krasinski is the next…

Well, there’s really not anyone like him. He’s just the next best thing to happen to comedy and indie films, if not all of Hollywood (to be AMAZINGLY fangirl-ish). I suppose we’ll just have to see where he goes with his career.

A grown man that can deliver a hilarious, dead-pan line one minute and be unabashedely teary-eyed the next is my kind of magic. Let’s hope George Clooney continues to take interest.

And I’ll definitely be seeing Sam Mendes’ Away We Go, starring Krasinski and Maya Rudolph (SNL) as a couple trying to find a new place to call home and start a family.

Here’s the trailer:

 http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi3933405977/

And here’s a clip of the season finale (SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER), which he really doesn’t do much talking in, but I just fall head-over-heels in love watching the emotions on his face:

http://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi581829145/

Yeah. So, be a fan. And not just because I say so, because I have a crush on him on top of admiring his acting ability. You can just admire his acting ability if you want.

Although, the crushing is kind of fun. For me.

P.S. – I apologize for my excessive use of (parentheses). It’s a clinical thing. I’m taking medication and having injections.